While asking for help sounds like it shouldn’t be that difficult, the reality is most of us struggle to do so. Our feelings get in the way. We have pride and don’t want to admit we need assistance. We have stubbornness that insists we can continue doing things like we always have. However, living with chronic pain and a condition like IC means that sometimes we do need assistance, and we do often have tasks that have become difficult or impossible to manage.
I have struggled with this often, especially in being diagnosed with IC as a young person. Admitting you need help with something when you are in the so-called prime of your life is difficult. But I’ve learned the price I pay in pain and missing out on more of my life by being stubborn and prideful is higher than asking for help to begin with. I’ll never forget a few years ago when I was experiencing intense IC pain, and my mom and mother-in-law came over to clean my house. I felt awful asking for help, but I needed it. Being on my feet hurt too much. They were happy to help.
And that’s the other lesson I’ve learned. Being able to help someone else feels good. I love when I have a chance to help a friend or loved one. Good friends and loved ones feel the same way with helping us as well. We just have to learn to ask and give them a chance. A few tips can make asking for help a bit easier.
Figure out why asking for help is difficult for you
We can have different reasons why asking for help is difficult. Understanding what those reasons are is the first step in being able to move past them and allow yourself to ask for help when you need it. There are a few reasons psychologists say people struggle. First, we are independent and want to do things our own way. Asking someone else to do something for you is giving up some control, which can be more difficult for some than others. Second, we don’t want to be seen as needy or whiny. Being a chronically ill person is already challenging, so the last thing we want to do is seem needy on top of it. And, third, we are afraid of being rejected. Nobody likes rejection, and especially if you’re been rejected or chastised for asking for help previously, you may feel less inclined to do so again.(1)
Other thoughts or beliefs can also get in your way. For example, you may have negative associations, meaning that you think someone asking for help is being lazy or just looking for handouts. Maybe instead you struggle with self-sacrificing beliefs that you need to put everyone else before yourself, and you don’t want to burden anyone else. Or you could be critical of yourself and think asking for help makes you seem weak or incapable.(2)
Once you know why you struggle with seeking out help, you’ll be better able to identify that and overcome it.
Ask the right person at the right time
Before asking for help, think about who could best help you with the task. Think also about your relationship with that person and whether you can trust them to help you. Unfortunately, not everyone around us is willing to help. Consider asking someone who you’ve helped before, because people often like the chance to give back. Also, don’t eliminate someone just because they’ve said no to requests for help in the past. In fact, they might be more likely to say yes now since they weren’t able to help previously.(2)
Once you’ve decided who you’re going to ask, figure out the best time to ask them. Asking for help in person is preferable. But you also want to find a time when the other person can talk for a few minutes and isn’t stressed or rushed. If the task you need assistance with isn’t urgent, be flexible with what timeframe works for their schedule.(2)
Another consideration is the person you ask may not be able to help you or willing to say yes, but they may offer an idea for a resource or person you haven’t thought of. And sometimes that can be even more helpful.
Keep it short and specific
Communication is important in asking for help. You need to clearly communicate what you need in a simple way. Overexplaining isn’t necessary (or helpful). You want to cover what exactly you need help with, why you need help and what you’re asking the person to do.(3) For example, you might say, “I need someone to vacuum my house, because vacuuming makes my pain worse. Can you come over this week when you’re free for 15 minutes and help me, please?”
Don’t apologize
Some of us are chronic apologizers (raising my hand high here!). But, you don’t need to apologize about asking for help. Apologizing might actually hurt your chances of having the person say yes to helping, because it’s hard to be enthusiastic about doing something that someone starts out apologizing for. You also don’t want to say things like, “I hate to ask.” That can make the other person feel a bit put off that you regret talking to them and giving them a chance to assist you.(3)
Help others when and how you can
Helping others when and how you can has multiple benefits, including that people are more likely to say yes when you go to them with a request. Humans are wired to show reciprocity when they’re helped.(4) Helping others can also be an exchange and make asking for help easier. For example, if you ask someone to come over and clean out your gutters, you can offer to bake them a sweet treat or run some small errands for them. Helping those around you also creates an environment of helpfulness in which everyone feels more comfortable asking for help when they need it.
Practice
The more you do something, the easier it gets. If you ask for help today, then next week it will be slightly easier. And so on and so forth.(1) You can also practice asking for help in your head or on a friend if you’re struggling with what to say or feeling anxious about it.
Show your gratitude
When you are receiving help, be gracious and accept it. Then be sure to follow up with the outcome of whatever the person helped you with.(3) In the example of having someone come and clean out your gutters, be sure to mention how you didn’t have any gutter leaks during the most recent rainstorm since the gutters were cleaned. People love to be acknowledged for what they do and know they really made a difference. Let those who help you know what a difference their help meant for you.
References:
- Stieg C. Everyone needs help during the coronavirus pandemic—here’s the psychological reason why asking for it is so hard. CNBC Make It. Jan. 12, 2021.
- Sorensen D. How to ask for help. Psyche. April 20, 2022.
- Davis J. 4 Tips to Effectively Ask for Help–and Get a Yes. Psychology Today. Feb, 28, 2020.
- Baker W. 5 Ways to Get Better at Asking for Help. Harvard Business Review. Dec. 18, 2014.
